The Spare Friend

Introduction:

Welcome my friend,

Today offers us a valuable chance to reflect on the way we've been handling certain friendships in our lives.

By the end of our discussion, we'd have gained insight into how some of our actions have affected these friendships.

The purpose of this awareness is to foster accountability, so that, upon recognizing our part in the dynamics of these relationships, we pledge to improve.

This benefits us first, before every other person as we enjoy better relationships.

After all, the quality of what we give is what we receive and even if we're getting better than we're giving at the moment, this imbalance can only last for so long.

This is the basis of today's discussion.

Discussion:

When we hear the word “spare,” we picture something extra, the backup that only gets pulled out “just in case.”

It refers to the one that isn’t quite good enough for the main role, so it’s left waiting in the wings in case the main choice falls through.

Which is precisely why no one wants to hear the word “spare” attached to “friend” as if people are just kept on standby purely for our convenience; when we need them.

Yet, unfair as it is, this is exactly how we sometimes treat certain friends, and we’ll explore some of these behaviors in the cause of our discussion.

■ Spare Friend - Examining Our Attitude Towards Our Friendships

We call someone a friend because the connection we share runs deeper than with most people we know.

However, as the old saying reminds us, “we hurt the ones who love us the most,” largely because they’re the ones who are consistently there for us, ready to step up.

Truth is, whether deliberately or not, we sometimes handle certain friendships as if they’re the spare.

These are the relationships we roll out only when we’re at our lowest, after we’ve already given the best of ourselves to everyone else.

As a result, our “spare” friend typically ends up receiving:

▪︎ The Least Time and Genuine Attention

The friend we run to only when we’re broken or in need also longs to celebrate with us when we’re thriving, sharing laughter, celebrating wins, and creating happy memories together.

Yet, many of us have friends we only remember when a problem arises that requires their specific support; and once resolved, they never get to see us again until the next time we're in such need.

The truth is, the person who is always there for us also needs someone to be there for them sometimes, and a small, genuine show of concern can mean everything.

When we only show up during our moments of need, we silently tell them that we value what they can provide far more than we value them as a person.

▪︎ The Least Praise or Appreciation

Some of us behave as though our friendship is a favor we’re doing the other person, feeling entitled to their time, energy, and resources while never truly appreciating their steadfast commitment to us.

We’ll loudly praise and celebrate people we consider “high-class,” “influential,” or “out of our league,” yet we downplay or ignore the quiet, consistent devotion of the friends who stay to clean up our mess when the rest of the world has walked away.

Similarly, some of us only express gratitude toward those who give money or material things, completely overlooking the invaluable contribution of the “ground soldiers” who invest their time, effort, and presence to make everything work.

︎ ▪︎ The Most Complaints and Venting

Many of us turn certain friends into emotional dumping grounds, flooding them with bad news, frustration, and tears, but once life improves and the sun comes out, we never circle back to share the joy.

Similarly, we constantly talk about our own struggles yet rarely make ourselves available when they need someone to listen or a shoulder to lean on.

No one deserves to be treated like a free therapist, especially not someone who could use that very same support themselves.

︎ ▪︎ The Heaviest Load of Expectations

Some friendships feel “low-maintenance” to us because these friends accept whatever little we offer and still show up fully.

Yet, ironically, we often place the highest, sometimes unrealistic expectations on these same people who have already accepted the bare minimum from us.

Many of us demand far more loyalty, availability, and sacrifice from them than we are willing or able to give in return.

■ Spare Friend - Resisting The Urge To Overextend Ourselves 

When we're cast as the spare friend in our relationship, the other person may often act like we're asking for too much for simply demanding fairness.

At other times, they might even try to make us feel guilty for daring to question the authenticity of their care or their level of commitment to us.

However, while isolated incidents can be written off as one off mistakes, repeated patterns don't lie.

When a person repeatedly acts a certain way we have to believe them, regardless of what they say or how highly we rate them.

Similarly, if a person’s default response to every disappointment is to assume the worst of us, rather than extending grace as their first instinct, then they're not truly our friend.

They're only using us.

The reality is, if someone feels entitled to be treated as a priority in our lives, they should also accept that we’re entitled to their understanding on the occasions when we fall short.

When expectations flow only one way, an imbalance exists that needs to be addressed.

■ Spare Friend - Reconciling A Broken Bond 

When someone senses that their expressed unhappiness is being overlooked or dismissed, they may choose to withdraw into silence.

Eventually, the spare friend might run out of energy to keep single handedly sustaining the relationship, so they take a step back.

Yet, instead of owning our part in the fallout, we often fault them for safeguarding their own peace and wellbeing.

So, now that we've identified how badly we've treated them, the first step towards reconciliation is to turn a new leaf.

All genuine apology must be backed by changed behavior if the reconciliation is going to last long.

That said, not every reconciliation means reuniting fully; sometimes, when a bond drifts apart because of our own actions, we owe the other person the space and time to heal from the hurt we caused.

Just because we’re ready for things to get back the same doesn't mean it will happen on our timeline.

In some cases, it may never return to what it was, but we can still grow from the experience, carrying those lessons forward to become better in our future relationships.

■ Spare Friend - The Ultimate Reconciliation 

Many of us tend to treat God like that spare friend, turning to Him only in moments of crisis or danger, then disappearing once the storm passes.

Yet, He longs for far more: a deep, loving, and intimate relationship with each of us.

God wants us to stop treating Him like a panic button, pressed only in distress; and instead embrace Him as our closest friend, the One with whom we share every part of our lives.

God wants to be there for us at our lowest, and still be reverenced at our highest, not abandoned.

Too often, we’re guilty of pleading with God for blessings, only to take those abundant provisions and spend them on ways of living that we know grieve Him and dishonor His name.

This is a clear show of how little we love or value Him outside of what He can provide for us, even though He offers Himself to be so much more.

Indeed, God wants to use us as vessels bringing glory to His name.

Yet, all of this becomes possible only when we commit to walking in His ways, cultivating a profound connection that allows us to truly know and understand Him.

Now, we might be wondering if this is actually real and practical.

Yes, it absolutely is.

Every one of us has the ability to build a deeper relationship with our Heavenly Father simply by placing our faith in His Son, Jesus Christ.

When we take that step, He meets us right where we are, then patiently shapes us over time to reflect the transforming power of this new bond with Him.

This means that we don't start off as perfect or holy; but as willing hearts, ready to journey with Him.

That's all that it takes.

Summary:

Together, we’ve taken a close look at some of the unjust ways we’ve been treating certain friends.

This awareness ought to stir remorse in us and spark a genuine desire to handle our relationships better moving forward.

This is the essence of all we've discussed here today and I hope that our stay was worth your time.

See you next weekend, my friend.

Master Apprentice.

www.x.com/truekingmaker