Love: Beyond the "feel good" Emotions.

Introduction:

Welcome my friend!

I hope that this discussion has met you in a good mood. Else, my desire is that you get to the end of it feeling elated; just as you would after hanging out with a loved one.

Having you show up every Friday on the reading end of this newsletter is a privilege I don't take for granted; and I hope we have an interesting yet impactful conversation.

Today, we'll be looking at love beyond the feel good emotions we get from wanting to be in a relationship with someone, being intimate with them or from proximity and spending time together.

Here, we'll be pointing out character traits and responsibilities that should accompany these emotions in order that the love doesn't become abusive, obsessive and burdensome.

Ideally, when we see people in a relationship, it's normal to expect them to be friends; to wish for and want the best for each other because genuine love is normally made of good intentions.

This is why stories of hitting partners, setting them ablaze, or even killing in extreme cases, cause us to question how people that are "in love" could do this to each other; yet the answer lies in the fact that mere emotions of desire and belongingness aren't enough.

Discussion:

Sometimes we may describe a relationship as "being together with an enemy" due to the abuse we see happening in it. However, it's important to note that the presence of abuse isn't the absence of love but a lack of the following attributes:

▪︎kindness

▪︎respect

▪︎trust

▪︎understanding

▪︎empathy

▪︎sacrifice

Let's take a look at each one and how it concerns expressing healthy love.

▪︎Kindness:

When love is accompanied by kindness, disputes don't degenerate into verbal or physical abuse because our partner lacks the capacity to be cruel with us.

Oftentimes when we hear the line "I was angry" as an excuse for maltreatment it's because the feel good emotion has been overpowered by a strong negative emotion.

This doesn't happen where people are kind to each other as our behaviour even in anger will show that we never want to see our partner in hurt or harm, let alone to be the reason for it.

▪︎Respect:

The value a person has for us will show in how they treat us; and this is what respect is about. When we don't consider our partner valuable enough, we'll continue to treat them like trash without feeling bad about it. After all, somewhere in our heads we feel they deserve it.

A lack of respect is the reason we assume that our partner's opinion doesn't matter when it comes to decision making that affects the relationship and worse still their own personal life.

Here we employ all our control techniques as we almost stifle life out of them.

Also, this explains the reason we can comfortably raise our hands, then proceed to hit our partner hard with it, while the entire time we didn't in any way feel morally constrained to put our hands down.

▪︎Trust:

When we believe that the intentions of our partner is genuine, we're able to trust them wholeheartedly. This means we're more willing to forgive their shortcomings because we see it for what it is; a mistake.

Where there is trust, there's also vulnerability as we're not ashamed to express our feelings to our partner, knowing that they wouldn't guilt trip or judge us for our weaknesses.

It's the lack of trust that cause our insecurities to get the better of us even when logically, we can see that our partner hasn't done anything wrong.

▪︎Understanding:

Where there's trust, there's patience and understanding. Where these lack, minor conflicts are blown out of proportion because there's no willingness to resolve issues amicably.

Here partners are hostile to each other as they see only and think of the worst of themselves.

▪︎Empathy:

Empathetic partners are sensitive enough to put themselves in their partner's shoes to share in their pain, hurt and dissatisfaction. An empathetic partner wouldn't reply with "You're just being dramatic" when they see you going through pain.

▪︎Sacrifice:

If love isn't willing to bear inconveniences to its own discomfort but for the benefit of their partner or for the greater good, then it also won't be enough.

As long as people are together there'll be times when putting our own interests and desires down will be the healthy thing to do because our relationship is worth it.

■ What love Is not:

To know what love is beyond these emotions we have to know other things that we've attributed to it which shouldn't be.

For instance many of us raised in dysfuntional homes where abuse was prevalent are only receptive of the abusive, obsessive, and possessive love we witnessed as children from the adults we experienced love firsthand from.

We're drawn to this kind of love because it's comfortable and familiar to us even as it's hostile. Here, we enjoy the anxiety and pressure derived from living in an insecure and unstable relationship. After all, the drama comes with it attention.

This isn't love. Beyond the emotions love is stable. We should be able to predict our partner because they're both consistent in words and actions.

■ Where to find this love:

This kind of love is established in mature relationships where complaints and excuses have been replaced by accountability. Here, there's an intentional effort by partners born out of their willingness to make it work.

The basis of this kind of love is the deep emotional and spiritual intimacy the partners share beyond physical attraction.

■ Summary:

We have to understand that love goes beyond mere superficial attraction. We may all admire a beautiful clothe but it's the person that owns it that'll have the responsibility to value and take care of it.

Just like that clothe, a love not felt or expressed beyond the feel good emotions of desire will eventually fade away.

Master Apprentice

https://twitter.com/truekingmaker

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