Guilt: The Basis For Condemnation

Introduction: 

Welcome my friend! 

Straight from our last conversation on Criticism, we'll be going into this one on Guilt as we continue to have these series of discussions that sometimes get really personal. 

When it does, it's not to indict, condemn or judge anyone, but to create an awareness, so that through acceptance we can begin to set the tone for positive change. 

This is the basis for all our discussions. 

In having these difficult conversations, we begin to acknowledge the things we'd rather be intentionally blind to - a courageous first step on the path of our improvement. 

So it's good that you're here my friend, as we continue to show up each Friday to hold ourselves accountable; encouraging each other to live according to the truths that have been revealed to us. 

Discussion:

The feeling of guilt is an emotional bondage where we express our remorse by picking up a heavy load of blame as if to rightly punish ourselves for living below our expectations or for causing harm to another.

When we feel guilty, it's an admission of our role in bringing about an outcome that we're no longer satisfied with so that we continue to beat ourselves up to “even it out”.

This is a difficult burden to bear and one that is not good for us, which is why we must let go, ushering in freedom and peace into our lives.

However, this is a process, a divine gift even; and it involves the understanding of certain truths, some of which we'd point out in the course of this conversation. 

■ Identifying The Cause Of Our Guilt

Sometimes in life, we'll find ourselves in a position where we've done something so foolish or unkind that we'll go on to regret it for a long time, if not for the rest of our lives.

Usually in these situations, we rightly accept the blame for our actions, judging ourselves harshly. 

Yet if we're willing to offer ourselves a little grace to reflect on things a little more, we may find out that our actions may have been due to the following reasons:

▪︎ We Didn't Know Better 

As we grow, we begin to cringe at many things we did in the past with enthusiasm and boldness. 

This is the role of experience and learning. 

We're only as good as what we know and this limitation in thinking and knowledge can push us into making poor choices that leave us in regret. 

For instance, we may know folks that live with some kind of guilt for selling a particular commodity in the stock market for peanuts when they could have become millionaires from holding them a little longer. 

So despite acting on their best financial interests at the time, they continue to beat themselves up, refusing to move forward from it. 

This shouldn't be so. 

The truth is that hindsight is always right and if we leave our eyes behind, we miss out on the chance to look forward by using today to act in ways that'll make tomorrow better. 

▪︎ We Didn't Have Other Options

When we're on the edge, our actions will show irrationality and poor judgement as we make common sense the victim of our desperation. 

When faced with survival we're forced to take certain measures just to stay alive, acting instinctively rather than thoughtfully; which is a sure path to future pain. 

When circumstances lead us to act out of character, the consequences may yet be difficult, but we don't have to make it worse than it already is; with our self torture. 

Now that we've grown into more options, we can accept the responsibility of choosing better by acting and becoming better. 

▪︎ We Were Driven By Revenge 

The thirst for vengeance makes us do foolish things because we're only fixated on the harm we can cause others without considering the toll all that hassle takes on us. 

This explains why when all of it is done we begin to ask ourselves if it was “really worth it”. 

When we go all out for retaliation we allow bitterness drive us into actions we'd later want to disown. 

▪︎ We had A Responsibility To Be Decisive 

The duty of leadership comes with the task of taking certain emotionally burdensome decisions, yet we take them anyway. 

If these decisions affect the interest of loved ones, relationships may be severed so that we begin to feel guilty. 

This can be difficult to bear yet we can find comfort in the fact it was taken from a place of good intentions. 

While all these are not excuses to simply separate ourselves from the guilt we feel, they are eye openers as to why we had taken some of those actions, and pointers that it's time to move on from them. 

■ Effects Of Guilt 

Guilt affects our relationships because we're no longer comfortable enough in them to express ourselves the way we used to before it. 

Once this happens we find the relationship experiencing the following negative impacts; 

▪︎ Shame 

When the freedom and gracefulness that accompany loving relationships is replaced by a tensed aura and all round vibes of “walking on eggshells”, then something is not right.

The presence of loved ones should be our safe space so that it's where we feel comfortable enough to be ourselves the most and without reservations. 

So when we find ourselves pretending in their presence instead of being authentic, is it to cover up for our own unfaithfulness and backstabbing?

If we're getting worked up when we're with them, is it because we're acting so hard, fearing to be caught for trying to sell them out with our false witnesses?

Shame is an inner conviction, so we feel it deep within us, as in an identity. 

Which means that once we begin to feel guilty from reciprocating the love we've been shown with deceit, mistreatment or abuse, we begin to withdraw from it because we can no longer face it eye to eye - now feeling unworthy of it.

▪︎ Misunderstandings

Since we already feel ashamed, everything will feel like a personal attack. 

When opinions are shared, we receive them as attempts to spite us rather than for what they are - mere opinions. 

This is another way guilt impacts our relationships. 

When we find it hard to have simple conversations without feeling the need to be “right” or “make a point” then we may be guilty of belittling ourselves then responding with hostility in order not to be “disrespected”. 

This is an expression of a deep rooted guilt of not being enough. 

It's also the reason we get aggressive and defensive in our relationships; never giving anyone a chance to get comfortable enough for intimacy with us. 

▪︎ Rejection 

Having found it hard to keep meaningful relationships, we begin to feel rejected by everyone.

Yet nothing can be worse than rejecting ourselves. 

Some of us intentionally pass up opportunities to learn and improve because we feel undeserving of becoming better than we currently are or incapable of it - but there's no truth to this.

Even if we've failed miserably in the past or taken certain actions that hurt the people we love deeply or altered the course of their lives, it doesn't mean that we're beyond redemption. 

If these people can find the kindness to forgive us, why do we still condemn ourselves for these mistakes? 

▪︎ Separation 

When shame, misunderstandings and rejections come to a head, people go their separate ways. 

When we no longer feel comfortable to be together because trust has been betrayed and lost, it's a guilt that keeps us apart.

Guilt dissolves our relationships because we desperately want to get away from a love we feel we don't deserve - perhaps we're suspicious of.  

When we live with guilt we'll find ourselves often questioning the motives behind the good intentions of others because we assess them by our own dubious standards. 

In this we understand that guilt corrupts the foundation of love a relationship was established on, so that separation occurs naturally.

Summary: 

Having already said so much with still a lot more to be said, it wouldn't be good to keep us here much longer than we usually do. 

Which is why we'd have to continue the rest of this discussion next week.

By then, we'd get to understand how to recover from guilt as we lay the burdens of blame aside. 

It's been a good time here with you my friend, see you next time. 

Master Apprentice.

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