Love Language: Why We Can't Understand Each Other.

Introduction:

Hello my friend!

How quickly time has flown by that we're already arrived for another edition of this weekly newsletter. Truly, these few days I've looked forward to joining you here again and I'm only grateful you've shown up to make it possible. Thank you!

In today's conversation, we'll be looking at some of the reasons why our partner may not appreciate our acts of love despite the good intentions and thoughtfulness behind them.

Here, we examine their unappreciation as a misunderstanding rather than outright ingratitude.

In our featured story, two friends are on the phone as one narrates how badly her husband had treated her. According to her, she was home with him and wanted them to watch a series on Netflix when he "abandoned" her to go to the mall; only to get her gifts while coming back.

"Gifts are not my problem especially from a man that can't even spend some time with his wife…"

As she continued her rant, her friend on the listening side of the conversation was surprised; she's grown tired of her own husband always wanting to be around her and leaving no "space" for her to do her own thing.

Somewhere in these ladies minds, they wished they could swap husbands. Each person with the one that meets her needs.

This right here is what love language is about; which is expressing love to our partner how they want to give and receive it.

Discussion:

What we can learn from the realities of these women is that they're with partners that express their love to them in a different way to how they want it. Each of them have actions she's associated with love and is now unsatisfied as they've been left unmet.

This is what happens in many relationships. Most of us have partners that express their love to us how they know to do; but because it's different from what we want, we don't appreciate it.

What this means is that we have a different love language to our partner and if we don't learn to communicate in unison we'll continue to leave each other desiring for more. To do this though, we need to understand why people have different love languages.

Three of the determinant factors that influence a person's love language include:

▪︎childhood

▪︎self esteem

▪︎past relationships

In the next lines we'll be discussing each of them in detail especially our childhood which is the basis of them all.

▪︎Childhood 

The first impression we get of love is created by the quality of love we experienced firsthand from our parents, guardians and those we considered symbols of authority growing up: teachers, pastors.

When we look at our parent's relationship with each other and their interactions, we learn for ourselves what's obtainable and acceptable from our partner.

Where they lived in a healthy relationship of mutual love and respect, we learn that it's how love is expressed; where they didn't, we learn that "love" can be abusive when "angry or upset".

Here, we grow into adults attracted to and comfortable in only love that has the same qualities as what we experienced as kids regardless of if it's abusive.

Also, if we were raised by emotionally absent parents we'll struggle to receive love from a clingy partner who wants to spend all their time with us. Here, their need to be with us comes off as attention seeking; worse still, as stifling, so we'll rebel.

▪︎Self esteem:

Low self esteem can make us misunderstand our partner's acts of love because we feel undeserving of the love. Here we're often overwhelmed not knowing how to neither love nor receive it.

We could also see ourselves often blaming our partner for "disrespecting" us the few times they err but never appreciate all the good they do.

When we're confident in ourselves we're able to clearly identify and communicate our needs to our partner and to rightly appreciate them for doing it correctly.

▪︎Past relationships:

Sometimes when we're still in love with or missing an ex partner that had a particular way of expressing their love to us, we kind of demand the same of our current partner even as they're clearly different people.

Here we don't even take notice of our partner's best efforts, because we're too fixated on what's missing rather than what's available. For instance, if an ex was always around and our partner can't do the same due to the nature of their job, we wouldn't appreciate the extra effort they put in, just to avail us that "little time" as we call it.

■ Effects Of Not Having Same Love Language:

Where expressions don't match expectations, it can have damaging effects on both the relationship and the partners themselves.

When our partner doesn't express love to us the way we want, we'll be tempted to think that they don't love us enough. Like in our feature story, unresolved unsatisfaction overtime builds up to resentment.

This ultimately leads to a break up and where it deteriorated into a bitter one, lovers become enemies for life.

■ How We Can Learn Each Other's Love Language:

All healthy relationships require effort to work through as we get better at living with our partner with every passing day. This means that when we're willing, we can get to learn each other's love language overtime.

To do this successfully, we need to have the honest conversations around how our partner was raised and what love means to them. Also, as we aim for this, it's important to note that it's only possible where partners feel safe with each other.

We therefore should behave in ways that provide this enabling environment for them, knowing that we wouldn't shame, guilt trip or judge them with a past they're effectively working on.

Also, we can actively try to show a little more effort in their hobbies. Watch a few minutes of that show or football game just to bond with your partner; it wouldn't hurt, yet the benefits can be much. Who knows? You may begin to genuinely enjoy it.

Summary:

It's been great having this conversation with you and just before I go, l'd want you to know that it doesn't cost much to communicate in the same love language as your partner.

Some very little things have consistently shown thoughtfulness and screams "I love you" in a way our partner will always appreciate.

Things like: absolute honesty, letting our partner in on our future plans, and making efforts to know their opinions and preferences will always speak the language of love and trust.

Until next time…

Master Apprentice

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