Withdrawal: The Fear Of Being Misunderstood

Introduction: 

Welcome my friend, 

Have you ever experienced the drifting apart of a friendship bond for no particular reason you could lay hands on? 

A situation where you wake up one morning to the reality that you and some other buddy no longer have that closeness you once shared even if there were no major issues; and you still talk every now and then. 

Also, have you ever been caught in a situation, where someone you consider a mate or colleague constantly picks on the slightest things you say or do, making a case out of them and escalating them out of proportion? 

You see, whether it's with the ones closer to us or mere acquaintances, we can find ourselves in situations where we're confused as to why a bond broke off or why we may be having difficulties establishing new ones. 

It's all of these and a little more that we'll be going through on today's edition of this Friday weekly newsletter. 

Having you show up for it is something that I don't take for granted. 

It therefore feels good to have you here, my friend. 

Discussion:

For two (2) people to be together and share a healthy space they need to understand each other. 

Many times when friendships fall off it's because there are now more disagreements than agreements in it; such that unhealthy silence becomes the only way to have “peace”.

When this “chaotic peace” full of unsaid words and unanswered questions lasts long enough, then what used to be a strong bond of sharing each other's lives, is reduced to a relationship of pleasantries and mere compliments. 

Unfortunately, this is the basis of many broken friendships and to be able to avoid that in ours, requires us to identify why and how folks that used to do everything together got to a point where they no longer felt comfortable in each other's company. 

■ Reasons Misunderstandings Arise 

If people don't have the same core values, they can co-exist because they respect each other but it'll be difficult for them to understand why each person does what he does or approach situations the way they do. 

When misunderstandings creep into our relationships it's for one or more of the following reasons; 

▪︎ Individual Differences 

No one of us are the same so there'll always be a situation where preferences will differ; and if not properly managed can move from disagreement to revolution if by chance egos are bruised in the process. 

When people feel their opinion is taken for granted or belittled, they respond with hostility and rebellion as if to show their own relevance. 

We must therefore learn to disagree with an opinion without ridiculing it or the bearer of it. 

▪︎ Unprecedented Responsibilities 

Many times some friendships start off on a different note and then evolve into demanding of us some responsibilities than we're prepared to make or step up to. 

If friends started off at a point where both were single and then one gets married, the single one may still be making the same demands of the married one as when they were both single even if his new responsibilities no longer avail him the same time and resources as before. 

Also, the married one may still want to be involved in certain activities that may no longer be appropriate for his new status and the single one may be unwilling to be in it with him.

In romantic relationships, this sometimes shows up when people become too clingy and obsessive with their partner such that the amount of time they demand to be spent with them borders on ridiculous to overwhelming. 

▪︎ Past Experiences/Beliefs 

For people that just met, misunderstandings can arise when one person begins to behave in a way that reminds the other of a failed relationship. 

When people experience a hurt from someone, they may begin to be skeptical of anyone with traits that reminds them of that person even if the intentions of the new person are genuine.  

▪︎ Insecurities 

If a person is no longer comfortable with the life they've created with their attitudes, habits and lifestyle, being with those with attributes they desire themselves becomes uncomfortable. 

When people are with someone that they admire or want the life they have, they may become threatened by the person's presence and aura without even knowing. 

▪︎ Level Of Intimacy 

How well we know a person will determine the level of understanding we share with them.

If we understand a person's nature, we become aware of their expectations and demands in the relationship. 

Without intimacy there may be no trust which means that we'll always question the intentions behind their actions; and this leads to avoidable misunderstandings. 

■ Consequences Of These Misunderstandings 

While we may want to see poor communication as a reason for misunderstandings, it is indeed a bad effect of it. 

Where people feel unheard, they're going to become quiet as a way of withdrawing into their shells and avoiding confrontations.

It's this poor communication that eventually breaks the bond because in the absence of the truths that can only be established through vocal communication and sharing of perspectives, we fill up the blanks with our own made up stories. 

Untrue stories based on assumption, which we use to console ourselves on the rightness of walking away without seeking clarity. 

■ Feeling Misunderstood By God 

Some of us, for some extraordinary level of brilliance, have come up with the conclusion that we know what is good for us more than our creator. 

A simple illustration that shows how man can feel more comfortable believing the logic and good reasoning from his smart head, than having faith in the one that gave him the head in the first place. 

When we feel misunderstood by God it's because we feel we know more than him. 

It's because we have looked at our situation and can't see his plan for our lives from where we're at. 

So we turn our backs on him to do our own thing, while living with this void that only him can fill. 

A desire no money, sex, wine or food can quench. So that for every more of them we get, we feel less of ourselves and empty. 

Summary:

Understanding is established through communication so stepping back or being silent is not a good resolution for people that still want to be together. 

However, where our expressiveness is met with intentional rebuttals to manipulate, gaslight and push away then there's no need to keep fighting a losing battle. 

We therefore need discernment to rightly tell how to behave accordingly. 

Master Apprentice.

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