Miscommunication: The Sender's Point Of View

Introduction:

Welcome my friend,

Last week we introduced this discussion with Miscommunication: The Receiver's Point Of View (read here: https://whereweareone.beehiiv.com/p/miscommunication-the-receiver-s-point-of-view)

In that piece, we used the story of a man and his friend to show how someone can hear something completely different from what was intended, simply because of how it was said.

Which puts the responsibility on us, as senders, to communicate more consciously; aligning our words, tone, expressions, and actions, in ways that clearly reflect what we truly mean and feel.

However, no matter how carefully we choose our words and deliver them with the best intentions, some people will still hear what they want to, regardless of what was actually said.

Which is why it’s equally important to understand the sender’s point of view, making a case for them, just as we did for the receiver last time out.

Discussion:

On a different day, the same man and his friend from last week’s story were seated in the living room watching TV, when his friend suggested they go out somewhere more fun.

The man politely declined.

After which he switched back to their discussion about the TV show, remarking that he agreed with the points the presenter made.

However, to his surprise, his friend replied in a mildly aggressive tone: “I already understand perfectly that you don’t want to go out.”

As if, they were still on the matter.

“Oh, I thought we were over that,” the shocked man responded; almost inaudibly.

Apparently, his friend thought the man’s next words were surely going to be another excuse to explain away his refusal to go out.

Which was why he responded to what he thought he heard, even though the man was clearly talking about something entirely different.

Here, what's at play is that his friend's preconceived belief that the man always gave excuses had caused him to stop listening altogether.

So he blocked out the man's actual words and reacted based on his own assumptions instead.

…and the only reason this miscommunication came to light was because the man had shifted to a completely different subject.

Otherwise, things would've continued like normal even though a crack has been made in the relationship by this simple miscommunication.

Indeed, this scenario explains how we sometimes speak to people that aren't even listening, without knowing that we've failed to communicate; albeit, no fault of ours.

This is what miscommunication can mean from the sender's point of view.

■ Miscommunication - Why We Hear Wrongly

From the story we shared, it’s clear that the miscommunication didn’t happen because the sender failed to deliver the message properly, but because the receiver lacked the capacity to process it accurately.

This means the miscommunication occurred due to the following reasons:

▪︎ The Man’s Friend Already Had a Fixed Perception of Him

Once we’ve formed a negative opinion about someone, we tend to scrutinize everything they say.

If we label someone a liar, we’ll doubt their words even when they’re being completely honest.

If we see them as rude, we’ll take offense at their comments even when they’re simply voicing their honest feelings.

If we believe they’re distancing themselves, even their legitimate desire for some time alone, will feel like outright rejection.

The truth is, our preconceptions about a person heavily influence how we listen to them and what we actually hear.

Which means that if we hold any reservations about them, we’ll naturally lean toward interpretations that confirm our existing bias.

This isn’t the sender's fault.

So instead of repeatedly reacting to them based on our own assumptions, we should pause and examine why we hold such views about them in the first place.

When we approach others with a mindset of openness, fairness and objectivity, we create room to understand them more accurately.

▪︎ The Man's Friend Wasn't Listening 

When we assume we already know what someone is going to say, we lose the patience and open-mindedness needed to truly hear them out.

Consequently, we forfeit valuable chances to see things from their perspective, remaining blinded to the clearer picture that emerges when we combine our views with theirs.

This is precisely what the man’s friend did.

He spaced out, passing up the chance to genuinely show concern, inquiring about the man's well being or finding out the real reasons behind his refusal.

Instead, he jumped to the conclusion that it was just another excuse.

Truth is, when we behave this way, we often build up unfounded resentment.

So that we take offense at people who’ve done nothing wrong to us, simply because we refused to listen to their own side.

▪︎ The Man's Friend Wanted The Man's Reaction To Fit Into His Narrative

Our minds have a strong subconscious drive to prove ourselves right.

So once we’ve decided what kind of person someone is, we tend to twist situations to match that image and maintain the story we’ve created about them.

In other words, we want them to fit into a particular narrative.

Consequently, we ignore the clear messages they send through their words and behavior.

Here, we refuse to accept the truth because it'll shatter the narrative we've now become attached to, especially those narratives that allow us to feel like the victim.

Yet, we can't be victims when we're the ones that have denied another a fair chance to effectively communicate with us, rewriting the narrative.

■ Miscommunication - When They Hear Wrongly 

Love makes a person see the best in us.

It magnifies our good deeds and tends to overlook our shortcomings.

So if someone is constantly pointing out what we’ve done wrong, even when there are plenty of things we’ve done right, it may be a sign that they don’t truly like us.

The truth is, grace is a common feature of all healthy relationships as we naturally make excuses for the people we love, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

So if a person is always quick to accept the version of events that paints us as the villain or the cold, uncaring one, it’s often because they enjoy the self pity that comes with it.

Or, worse still, they may be planning to weaponize it against us later.

In such cases, it’s important to become aware and conscious of how we relate with them, taking the step back to protect ourselves.

Otherwise, one day they may hurt, harm, or betray us, and then conveniently use that miscommunication as an excuse to justify their actions.

So while we should be eager to clear up miscommunications with those who know us well enough to trust us and our intentions, we should be wary of those who don’t, giving them the space they need.

This way, we reduce the chances of further miscommunications.

■ Miscommunication - When We Hear Wrongly 

Many times, the reason we develop a distorted perception of someone, different from what they’ve consistently shown and communicated, is because of our own character.

For example, some of us begin to view our friends, family, or partners differently the very moment they experience new success.

Here, in our own distorted view, we expect them to change how they treat us.

So when they speak and behave in the same way we used to accept before their achievement, we quickly take offense.

We go on to accuse them of being arrogant or inconsiderate because of their new success, even though they remain the same person we’ve always known.

Here, it’s crucial that we look inward.

We should honestly ask ourselves whether we would have treated them poorly if we were the ones who had achieved that success.

The truth is, we often project our own insecurities onto others.

We become defensive, difficult to reach, and emotionally unavailable, thus, effectively shutting our hearts off from the love and care around us.

After doing this, we have no right to turn around and blame others for not trying.

Indeed, we should remain willing and open to truly hear people out before judging them, rather than form our opinions based on what we believe we would have done in their position.

They are not us.

Most importantly, we should learn from them how to communicate and behave better when our own success eventually comes.

■ Spiritual Miscommunication - When We Misunderstand God's Intentions

As believers, God often gets our attention by allowing or orchestrating a series of adversities in our lives.

Yet, during these difficult seasons, many of us misunderstand Him.

We interpret our hardships as signs that He is angry with us, or that He is a mean, cold, judgmental, and uncaring God.

This is a miscommunication on our part.

God is far more interested in building us up, strengthening our character, and shaping us for His purpose than He is in keeping us constantly comfortable or happy.

So when He permits adversity, it is to train us, grow us, and make us better through the experience of facing and overcoming it.

This means we should resist the urge to complain, throw tantrums, or walk away from Him.

Instead, we should draw closer to Him, seeking His face and asking for the patience and wisdom to learn and understand everything He is teaching us in that season.

Summary:

Over two weekends now, we’ve explored communication in a unique and insightful way that has helped us understand why we often struggle with it.

At different times, we're going to be either the sender or the receiver of a message.

Which is why we're encouraged to play our role well, making ourselves easy to communicate with.

This is the real essence of everything we’ve discussed here.

See you next week!

Master Apprentice.

www.x.com/truekingmaker